Pushing Past the Surface

Last weekend, I got to spend time with two of my close friends who I travelled to Swaziland with last summer. Since coming home, our friendship has consisted of texts, phone calls, and the occasional visit. We have had plenty of excuses to not keep in touch. We have all gone through some very hard seasons since coming home. However, last weekend, sitting across from them in a coffee shop, its like we had never missed a beat. We talked about the things God has been teaching us, the lies we have been fighting, the victories we’ve had, the future, the past, you name it. Looking back on our weekend together, I thought about how crazy it was that we have all gone through so much life over the course of the past 7 months but nothing seems that different. The reason for this? Our friendship was built on a foundation of vulnerability and transparency.   

Vulnerability is becoming a cliché word in today’s Christian society. I think its being overused while not being fully understood. What does it mean to be vulnerable? For me, I think being vulnerable is more than just sharing the tough stuff that happens in life. It’s more than just sharing struggles or not holding back from people. Vulnerability is built on trust and is fueled by a lack of shame and an acceptance of forgiveness. For me, vulnerability is the action and product of accepting God’s forgiveness and freedom.

 I hear so often the statement, “well I’m more of a private person, I don’t think people really need to know my business.” I get it and I understand that because for so long, that was me! I prided myself on not being understood and not allowing others to know what was going on with me. I liked it because I could use it as an excuse all the time! I can act this way because people don’t get me. I’m misunderstood so I have a right to be angry. I even went into training camp for Africa where I was expected to have a deep conversation with one of my leaders and I remember thinking, “no way am I going to say anything meaningful. She doesn’t know me! No way in the world am I going to have a deep conversation with her about anything!”

 So why was I so against talking about my feelings, dreams, past or struggles? For me, I believe it was a mixture of pride and fear. I was afraid of rejection. If whoever I’m talking to knows my heart or knows what I’ve done, or knows the things I’ve thought, or knows how I used to act or am currently acting, what will they say? Will they judge? Will they think less of me? Will they hold me to a different standard? I’ve come to realize that these thoughts enter your mind most when you are doing all of those things to yourself. When I fear rejection from others, I’m walking in rejection towards myself. When I’m afraid of being judged for my sin by others, I’m not fully accepting God’s freedom from my sin for myself.

 As I’ve come into this new season with new people and more life behind me, I’ve had to make the choice again to live a transparent life and allow the new people in my world to see past the surface level. And let me tell you, it’s been a struggle. I have my people who I’ve allowed into those places and I don’t want anymore. But then I look at the relationships I have with the people who I have let in. I think about how much depth we have. How because of our honesty and vulnerability, we can go for months without seeing each other and within 15 minutes, be talking about the deep stuff again with no judgment and no shame. I think about those people and I wouldn’t trade what I have with them for the world! The way they have spoken into my life, encouraged me, prayed with me and over me, let me cry and rant, worshiped with me, told me the hard things, have never let me give up even if it meant almost dragging me towards the Lord, yeah these people and these relationships, they would never have happened if I’d kept the hard stuff to myself.

 I want more of these relationships in my life and I know God has more people for me to know in this way. I want to know people but I also want them to know me. What do I have to hide? I’ve been freed from my past, freed from anything in my future. My life is a testimony of God’s greatness and I can’t use that for Him if I never let people past my pretty little surface layer.

 I speak this as a challenge to you! Find the people in your life that God has for you and let them in. Don’t settle for a life of surface value anymore.