For those of you that know me at all, you know that writing is my thing. I love it. That’s how I communicate best. Telling people’s stories as well as my own is something I am so passionate about! For the most part, writing has always come easy to me. I never had to work very hard at it or labor over it for too long, it would just come out. Since moving to CGA, that hasn’t been the case. Writing has become difficult, more difficult than it has ever been in my life. I’ve struggled to write blogs, I haven’t journaled like I used to, my ideas don’t seem to come out how I want them too, but more shocking to me than any of this is that I haven’t really wanted to write.
We are required to write a weekly blog and no matter how many times during the week that I sit down to write, Friday always rolls around and I’m scrambling to get a blog together by the 5pm deadline. I thought at first that maybe I just wasn’t managing my time or perhaps I have been too distracted by other things. However, this doesn’t account for the lack of fire within me that usually comes out when I get to write.
I’ve been very confused and frustrated by this. It’s something that I believe the Lord has gifted me in and now I can’t seem to access it. I’ve taken this to God on and off over the past few weeks and asked for clarity. “What is going on? Why can’t I write? Why don’t I want to write? This is so not like me!”
It all sort of came to a head yesterday afternoon as I sat on the couch with a free afternoon ahead of me, a blog due today, and not one ounce of drive or excitement about writing it. Ok God, I really want an answer. Last night and this morning, I believe that He’s given me some insight into this writers block of sorts that’s been going on recently.
For so long, I have had a hard time speaking up. Whether that’s in class at school, in a large social group, or even just saying the hard things one on one to people. I hid my voice unless I knew that the thing I had to say was going to come out perfectly and would be received in a positive way. In many ways, I relied on my writing to make myself heard. I might not have spoken up in class but I was known for being able to communicate well in writing. I could write someone a note and tell them all my feelings but saying it to their face was difficult.
God has freed me from the insecurity that use to accompany these actions and now is a time of breaking off the habits. This week alone, He has placed people in my life who have straight up told me to use my voice or speak out my opinion. I’ve been put in charge of things and been told to ask my question, share my thought, speak out my recommendation. Through that, God has shown me that my voice has power.
Ever since my trip to Africa, I’ve had people tell me that I have the gift of wisdom. It’s taken me awhile to come to grips with owning that gift and even longer to realize that wisdom is great and all but it is at its best when it is spoken out and shared. How can I share if I don’t use my voice? If I don’t use my voice, the gift the Lord has given me can’t be used to its fullest extent.
Something the Lord spoke over me during one of my quiet times this week has helped me start to take a step in the right direction. He said, “You are a voice for the nations. Your voice is a roar to me”. I am not voiceless before the Lord. He see’s me as a person who’s voice has authority and power and value.
This is great and all but what does it have to do with my inability to write? Well… God has shown me that this is a season of learning to use my physical voice. It’s a time to finally stop hiding. God sees my voice as powerful and full of authority. He has given me passions and wisdom and insight and this is a time of showing me how to own these things by speaking them out in confidence. In order to do this, I believe He has lessened my drive to write during this season so that He can grow me in using my actual voice. He is showing me that I have a gift of writing but He has also given me the ability to speak with power and authority. I’ve cultivated the gift of writing for so long and now is a season to focus on another gift that I have. Writing is a powerful gift God has given me and I know He has so much in store for that in the future. For right now, He is growing my voice in a new way.
God is showing me how to use my voice to grow His Kingdom. It’s not easy and its not always enjoyable but I can see so much growth already and for that I am so thankful!
